Sadness

Ultimately, to grieve our losses means to surrender to our feelings.

So many of us have lost so much, have said so many good-byes, have been through so many changes. We may want to hold back the tides of change, not because the change isn't good, but because we have had so much change, so much loss.

Sometimes, when we are in the midst of pain and grief, we become shortsighted, like members of a tribe described in the movie Out of Africa.

"If you put them in prison," one character said, describing this tribe, "they die."
"Why?" asked another character.
"Because they can't grasp the idea that they'll be let out one day. They think it is permanent, so they die."

Many of us have so much grief to get through. Sometimes we begin to believe grief, or pain, is a permanent condition.

The pain will stop. Once felt and released, our feelings will bring us to a better place than where we started. Feeling our feelings, instead of denying or minimizing them, is how we heal from our past and move forward into a better future. Feeling our feelings is how we let go.

It may hurt for a moment, but peace and acceptance are on the other side. So is a new beginning.

God, help me fully embrace and finish my endings, so i may be ready for my new beginnings.

I have shared this one on my blog previously, but after the events of the last 24 hours, i felt the need to share it again. It is so true, how when we are hurting, or sad, we feel like it will never pass, and that whatever caused the pain and sadness was just not worth the pain that it ultimately caused, in the end. It is hard to see the happy light, at the end of the sad tunnel...but it is always there.

A very good friend of mine, attempted suicide last night. I came home from my run, and hopped in the shower. I then grabbed some dinner out of the fridge, and flipped open my laptop, while i sat on the couch in front of my tv, expecting to log in to Facebook...have a bit of a laugh with some friends online, and then head to bed.

Instead, there was an email from someone, alerting me to my friend's online suicide note, on a blog that she had only created a matter of days ago. I was horrified, upset, and so sad at what i read. I immediately contacted her parents, who were babysitting her daughter - their granddaughter. She had dropped her off there earlier in the day, saying she was not coping well and needed some time out. They drove straight to her home. My friend is now in hospital, and will most likely be there for awhile.

I am feeling such a range of mixed emotions.

Sadness - that a friend of mine could feel so sad, and not see an end to that sadness.

Guilt - because i had spent half my day yesterday, trying to slap some sense into her by being honest with her and telling her that she is NOT a victim. I don't lie. Not even to my friends, by telling them what they want to hear. When i think they have made a bad decision, or a number of bad decisions, and been silly, and brought some of their problems on themselves...i will tell them. A REAL friend will not sit there, and agree that you are a victim, that will never be loved. A REAL friend will tell you that you made a bad choice, that we all make bad choices at times, and that doesn't make you a bad person, but it doesn't make you a victim either.

Anger - Mostly, i feel angry at this friend of mine right now...which in turn is causing me more guilt. This woman has so much to live for. She has wonderful parents that love her, and have always been there for her. She has a beautiful, amazing daughter, who deserves to have her beautiful, and amazing mother around. She has a great career. She has lots of friends that care about her. This friend of mine has so much to be happy about, but instead she chooses to focus on the one thing that she can't have - a married man.

I feel so guilty, for how angry i feel at her right now. I have no patience, or tolerance for people who attempt suicide. I know there was a time, when i was so low, so unhappy, had screwed up my life so badly and saw no way back, that i myself thought about it...and i look back on that time now, and just shake my head. Even then, i had so much to live for...there is always a way out of our misery, and unhappiness. There is always a solution. It horrifies me, when i think about everything that i would have missed out on, had i jumped that night.

None of us are victims. Just like i was in that terrible place, because of my own actions and choices, so is my friend. It passes. Everything passes. Time heals. When one door closes, another one always opens, but sometimes we are too busy looking back at the closed door to see the one in front of us, that is open.

Suicide is the most selfish act imaginable, and right now i am so angry at my friend, that sympathy is something that i am finding impossible to muster...and for that, i am feeling guilty.

What a vicious cycle. The cycle though...will end.

Sometimes, i wonder if everything that i have been through, has hardened me, despite my best efforts to not become hardened. I find it so easy to walk away from "love" and relationships, and men in general these days. It doesn't even make me sad, really anymore. I do remember though, a time, when someone that i loved leaving me,  a relationship ending, and having no control over that, hurt me enough to not want to live.

Now i am sad for her again...

I think i will go for a run now.