I am Crystal Meth - Poem

Hello.

You may or may not know me.

I destroy homes.

I tear families apart,

I’ll take your children and that is just the start.

I’m more precious than diamonds, more valued than gold.

The sorrows I bring are a sight to behold.

If you need me I’m easily found

I’m all around you in every city and every town.

I live with the rich I live with the poor.

I live down the street even next door.

I’m made in a lab just not the kind you think,

I can be made under the kitchen sink.

I can be made in the closet or in the woods.

If this doesn’t scare you to death it certainly should.

I have many names but one you’d know best

My name is Crystal meth.

My powers are awesome just try me and see.

Try me twice and your soul will belong to me.

Once I possess you, you’ll steal and you’ll lie

You’ll do what it takes just to get high.

The crimes you’ll commit for the high and fame

Will be worth millions once I get in your veins.

You’ll lie to your mom and steal from you dad,

When you see their tears you won’t even be sad.

You’ll forget your morals and how you were raised,

Once I teach you my worthless ways.

I’ll take your friends, your control, your pride,

But I’ll always be with you right by your side.

You’ll give up your friends, your family, your home,

When you run out you’ll be all alone.

I’ll take and I’ll take till there’s nothing to give,

And when I’m through you’ll be lucky to live.

You can try me for fun but I’m no game.

Giving the chance I’ll drive you insane.

I’ll give you nightmares while you lie sweating in bed.

I’ll be the evil voices inside your head.

You shouldn’t have tried me how many times were you told?

But you challenged my powers how could you have been so bold?

You couldn’t say no, and just walked away.

If you could do it all over again what would you say?

I’ll be you master you’ll be my slave.

Don’t fear being lonely I’ll walk with you to your grave.

I’ll show you more pain then your deepest betrayal

So come take my hand as I lead you to HELL.

Written by Alicia VanDavis

OK so THIS was my final post for this year. I found this poem, and thought i would share it. Apparently it was found in one of Alicia's drawers, a few days after she died from a meth overdose. I didn't even know it was possible to overdose on it. You learn a new thing every day. She had written it, from a jail cell. Her mug shots were worse than mine...and that is saying something.

Goodnight. x

Happy New Year

This may or may not be my final post for the year. That really just depends on if i can get to sleep and stay asleep! I hope i can...i have a lot of driving to do tomorrow, and have to be up early to make a nice lunch to take to a friends place.

I slept a lot today, which was nice, because i have had crappy sleeps the last few nights. I stayed in bed today til well into the afternoon...sleeping off and on. I took the dreaded Penny to Borders, but didn't buy anything. Books are so expensive these days. The one that i wanted had to be ordered in anyway, and i am not that patient. haha. I can remember Danny and i going to Borders on Friday nights, because it used to be open til midnight or something on Fridays. We used to spend hours in there browsing books. I remember one time, i spent $400 bucks on books for us, in one go.

Danny and i never knew broke. Danny and i knew stupid. haha I look at what i survive on now, and i laugh at the thought of how broke we thought we were.

Anyway...the thought that i need a duffle bag, or a big backpack, for my trip to the South Island, occurred to me, while at Sylvia Park today. Every bag for travelling that i had, either went to the tip or Danny still has, or i let Billy take on his travels. The closest thing i had to a bag for packing and travelling with is one of those environmentally friendly Foodtown bags that you can buy for a couple bucks and use instead of plastic bags! haha I have a couple of Cotton On ones too.

I looked at bags...and they were expensive too. I forgot about the thought of buying one, and figured i would work something out. Maybe someone would have one i could borrow. Penny offered to loan me one but i cringe at the thought of what a bag of hers would look like. Not that i should be picky.

Anyway...forgot about the bag drama that i was having. Arrived home from Sylvia Park and took Nixon for his super duper long run that i had promised him for his New Years treat. We went an extra long way. The extra length of our walk/run took us past the dairy that is around the corner and up the road from where i live.

Outside of this dairy is one of those clothing bins where people dump their unwanted clothing right? Guess what was sitting on top of this bin, with clothes spilling out of it, looking brand new??? A flipping awesome big duffle bag!!! I could not believe my eyes!!!

I stopped...checked to make sure there was no traffic that was going to see me going through someone else's rubbish...dumped the clothes out of it, into the bin...and checked out my new travelling bag!!! haha...it's a khaki kind of green colour, with handles, as well as a nice leather shoulder strap...it has heaps of different compartments, all the zippers work and are like new...it is just the right size for what i need for my trip to the South Island next week...and it was FREE!!!

I laughed to myself...looked up at the sky, and thanked God for once again, providing for me...and just about skipped the rest of the way home. I can't believe someone just threw that out!

I am taking that as a sign that 2010 is going to be my best year yet. That is my last little miracle for this year.

I am now in bed.

I will be celebrating my New Years, this time next week with Orlando. We are going camping by some lake down near Timaru. It will be just the two of us, and our dogs. It is going to be FANTASTIC. I can't wait.

So i am sweet with sleeping through tonight. Nixon is already crashed out at the end of my bed. I have cleaned my little place from top to bottom today, and even put clean sheets on my bed! Yes CLEAN SHEETS! yay for no dog hair! I am going to wake up, and start off the next decade of my life...HAPPY.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy New Years Eve. See you next year.

xoxox

Thanks for ruining my face for commission

http://www.nataliedee.com/

Living next door to Penny

I can't handle it anymore. She is driving me nuts. I cringe when i go outside and creep around my yard as quietly as possible so that she does not come out and bail me up. Going out anywhere is always a mission because i can't walk past her place without having to talk to her for an hour...

Now i can't even go shopping without her.

I was just outside creeping around...hanging out my laundry, and of course she heard me and came out yelling like she always does...i think she is going deaf...she talks so loud.

When she asked what i was doing today, i said i might go to Sylvia Park, to the Borders bookshop because there is a book that i want to read. I thought i might buy it and start reading it tonight.

Wellll, now i get a long drawn out story about how she has only ever been there once, and can she come with me. I can't believe it. I can't even go and have a pleasurable wander around Borders, like i so love to do...without her ruining it!

She is driving me insane.

At first it was nice to be on friendly terms with the neighbours around here...but she is too much. I HATE it when she comes wandering down the path, yelling up to my window " jjjacccckkkkieeee, jaaaacccckkkiiiieee" in her horrible voice.

I am going to have to move. There is no way around it. How do i nicely tell her that i can only handle waving at her as i walk past, and at the most a five minute conversation once a day about how her day has been...anything more and she annoys the shit out of me....without offending her?

I can't. I am going to have to move to get away from Penny.

aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

She invited herself over for lunch tomorrow again! Like how she came over on Christmas Day, and then wouldn't leave! I have just told her that i cannot do lunch tomorrow. Thank goodness i got out of that. Thank goodness for having a friend to visit tomorrow.

I am going to have to move....arrrrghhhhhhh

You really need a flowing garment and no underwear, to blog properly

http://www.nataliedee.com/

haha...i want one!

Goodnight. I am so tired after last night's epic sleeping fail. I am going to have another go tonight. X

Sunflowers

Agency apologises over P letter

Agency apologises over P letter - Yahoo!Xtra News

Unbelievable. I can't imagine, what it was, about this letter, they thought was funny. The only thing "shocking" about it, is that anyone thought this campaign was a good idea.

I wonder how many dipshit crackies out there, will try to sell their little bags of salt, and then blame Creativebank, when someone ends up dead.

I am speechless.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

Nixon getting his stink on

Without a word of a lie...this goes on for about an  hour, after every bath!

Love is...

Behaving like this, 3 weeks before your 28th wedding anniversary.

This is my parents...Dad and Monica.

I just had to share, before i attempted to go back to sleep.

I love and miss them so much.
I will never settle for less, than the example that they have always set for me...again.

Billy and Tracey

 Kellog, Idaho...Christmas Day 2009.

I am having a pretty crappy sleep. I have been awake more than i have been asleep, all night. I just checked my emails, and there are a whole bunch of photos of my family's Christmas. They are fantastic photos. I will share more later.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

(hopefully)

Early night for me!

I say that because...i actually planted my lazy ass in bed about two hours ago.

I have been playing on Facebook, and reading other blogs. There is one blog in particular that i follow,  that i read, and it is like deja vu. It's written by an American man, from Idaho (where i spent my teens, and my sister Tracey, and her husband still live) ...his paycheck just bounced for the 2nd week in a row, he doesn't know how he will make his car payment, or pay his rent, and he wishes his boss would die. This is not far off how i felt about Tawhnee, earlier this month.

I can feel the stress and frustration, in the words that he types.

The hardest part of reading blogs like that...is knowing exactly how the person is feeling, but also knowing that there are no words that you can express that will help their situation, or make them feel any better.

I am sorry to all my friends and family that i put through that every time i have a horrible drama...i also apologise in advance for future dramas that i will no doubt have, and rant about, leaving everyone that cares about me, not knowing what the f&ck to say to me. haha

I will try to remember my past dramas, and have faith that things will continue to work out for me.

Goodnight you lot...X

PS...Nixon has had a bath and now stinks of wet dog..and is on my pillow. Nice. He is lucky i love him so much.

2010 To do list

http://www.nataliedee.com/

I have been so tired today

I did not sleep very well last night.

I realised, when i took Nixon for his run last night, that i couldn't find my Ipod charger thing. That little USB thing that took me seven hours to figure out that it needed to be pushed all the way in, in order for me to be able to upload songs to my Ipod...remember that thing? Yeah that.

I had lost it. I could not find it anywhere. This was very annoying because i had just downloaded a bunch of songs to put on it, and the battery will probably die soon...and then what?

It was bugging the heck out of me, trying to think where it could be. My Ipod is an essential part of our exercise routine.

I turned my place upside down, looking for it. I had dreams about it. Dan text me in the middle of the night, and i even went on to him about it. He must think i am nuts most of the time.

It was still on my mind when i woke this morning...so i double checked my whole place. Took Nixon for a run, then hit the sack again. It REALLY bugs me when things that i know i always keep in the same place, go missing. It annoys me even more...when i specifically put things in a safe place, then can't remember where that safe place was! The fact that my grandmother used to do that all the time, scares the living daylights out of me.

I rang the girls to see how they were doing today. They seemed much happier to talk to me today, than they did yesterday. Well Jorgia did anyway, Nicole was not around. They must have carried on with their grumpy, laziness because it sounds like they are arguing with their stepmother now.

Anywayyyy...i am delighted to announce that Jorgia has my Ipod USB thingie, in her bag. I have no idea why, because she has one of the older Ipods, that has an actual dock. I have the new slim Ipod. The chargers are not interchangeable...i found this out last night, while desperately trying to force my slim Ipod into the dock of Joriga's charger

All is good though. I know where it is. I didn't put it in some far out weirdo place to keep it safe, and have now forgotten where that place was, and i will get it back tomorrow. The world can go back to revolving now.

I just got back from a drive out to Pakuranga. I had to go out there to renew my prescription, for my anti depressants. I had not taken them in about a week, because i had run out, and the chemist that i get my script filled at would have been closed that whole time. It is just a little one, next to my doctors office, so not open normal retail hours.

It dawned on me that i  have not been drowsy or sleepy, like normal this past week...it also dawned on me that i got upset with the girls, for the first time in 6 months, after a week of not taking them. I hope that is a coincidence.

It's bath and trim night for Nixon. I am going to wear him out well and good before then.

Back later on. X

"My life back from meth"

Every single story that i read, about life around, with, and on P...is the same. Nearly word for word. There are variations, and different degrees of the havoc that it has caused in people's lives...but the story is always the same.

Listening to stories, of people that have been addicted to meth, reminds me of sitting through movies like Titanic, and Pearl Harbour...what's the point? We already know how it is going to end. You still do it anyway though.

Dead. Prison. Recovery.

Those are the three choices that everyone has, once they become addicted to P.

This lady's story, is like listening to my own. Especially the part where her home got bulldozed, but she knew there was a reason for that happening. She knew that she needed to never go back to that home, where the same lifestyle and people were waiting for her. She lost everything. Just like i had. Just like me, she was lucky enough to have had someone care for her children, and let them straight back into her life, once she was better.

A warning for people that get all butt hurt over religious references...this woman talks a lot about God and how God saved her. That is something else, that her and i have in common. I truly believe that God was looking after me, and still does, every single second of every single day.

For that, i am grateful.

Beware of plastic toy legs!!!

Shopper threatened, groceries stolen - Yahoo!Xtra News

hahaha i can't believe this made the headlines. Teenagers rob 27 year old man of 24 bucks worth of groceries, using a toy plastic leg as a weapon..hahaha

I can't believe it.

Cars a death trap for dogs

Cars a death trap for dogs - Yahoo!Xtra News

Lucky i rescued Nixon, and got him back, when i did. Nixon's whole life, 16 hours a day...was spent in Danny's car. He spent the whole day while Danny was at work, on building sites, either in the car, or tied up getting more and more matted in building dust...then he would spend until midnight in the car while Danny was at the pub.

That was how Nixon lived, from January, until October, this year.

Luckily Nixon never suffered any brain damage. I know this because, lately he has been doing something funny...and clever, for a dog.

Near the end of our walk...there is an intersection where i can choose to either walk past all of the shops, to get home...This is the longer option and i turn left to do this. Or...i can go straight ahead, towards our street, which Nixon LOVES, because there are lots of cats in our street. It is also the shorter route, and by this time, we are at the end of our walk and he is always panting hard.

The last two times that i have tried to turn left, to go the longer way and walk past the shops, simply because i can't face the running and pulling on my arm, when he senses a cat is nearby....he has stopped, and laid down, and won't move, until i change my mind and decide to go straight...towards our road, with all the cats.

He decides which way our walk takes us. haha He is a very clever dog. At first i thought he just stopped and refused to move because he was tired...last night i tested that theory, and found that as soon as i changed the direction that we were going, he had more energy than ever.

Dogs are so smart. Well Nixon is anyway.

Brian Welch: Former Korn Guitarist’s Meth Addiction

Brian “Head” Welch’s new song “Flush” tells the story of crystal meth addiction in vivid detail.

For some, the music video for the song “Flush” is too much to handle. Retailers have actually begun removing the album from shelves due to the “graphic nature” of the content in the music video. What many fail to understand is the premise behind the graphic images. The video tells the story of Brian Welch’s crystal meth addiction.

Not understanding the lifestyle of a crystal meth addict, it’s easy to judge.

However Welch believes it’s a story that must be told. Showing the perverse nature of his addiction, his video portrays models vomiting a tar-like substance and licking pink powder off one another. In an interview he was quoted as saying:

The video for ‘Flush’ is about crystal meth addiction and the crazy things anyone addicted to meth will do while they’re high or to get their fix. Everything the models were doing in the video is what I was wrapped up in while I was addicted to meth. The video is a very realistic look at the addiction and where it will lead you if you get hooked. I understand the images of the models may be too much for some people, but honestly, I was just trying to be real with what happened in my life and show where I was, as well as where I am at now.

“I was totally imprisoned by meth (straight jacket). I would do anything to get my meth (models being obsessed with pink substance). I was totally kinky and freaky while I was on meth (models touching each other and licking pink substance off of each other). I got emotionally, spiritually and physically sick while I was on meth (models puking up black tar all over their faces and everywhere else).

“I believe I would be dead right now if I continued using meth, but instead, I chose to surrender my life to Christ and die to myself so He could share His resurrection with me (models lying down lifeless, getting zipped up in body bags, coming back to life and ripping through the body bags to catch their new breath of life). Significantly, the images also go along with what the kids (not actors) at the beginning of the video were honestly saying about their addictions.

The video also shows brief snippets of interviews with meth addicts to illustrate the point. Welch, who left the band Korn some time ago has decided to put his energy into more powerful messages that can help spread a positive message.


FLUSH - BRIAN HEAD WELCH -- THE OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO

BRIAN "HEAD" WELCH

MySpace Music Videos

I'm not a fan of Korn, and this song is not my usual cup of tea, but i relate to his experience with the drug. The video has a message, as well as a warning, that needs to be heard.

Beaver

http://www.nataliedee.com/

hahaha

I think Christmas just turns all kids into demons

Upon reflection...a nap, and a 7 k walk with Nixon, i have come to the conclusion that it is the excitement of Christmas, and how spoiled children get during this time, that temporarily turns them into the devil's spawn, who think that everyone on this planet is put here for the sole purpose of pleasing them.

I think this is just a fact that adults need to realise, and prepare for every year.

This is the first year that i have noticed this behaviour from my kids. I think the reason i have never noticed it before, is because our relationship was never as good as it has been during the last half of this year. I was always yelling at them for something, so when they acted how they have acted these past few days...i used to just yelled at them some more and that was the end of it.

Our relationship now, is so good, that when we have a few naughty/bad times...it really upsets me. Not upsets me, as in yell at them like i used to...but upsets me because i feel like i can't do any more for them, or give any more to them, than what i am at the moment and it scares me that it is not enough.

It frustrated me today, and the past few days, to feel like it has not been enough.

I don't think that is the case though. I think they were just, like most kids, too spoiled for their own good over Christmas, full of sugar, tired from late nights, because i have been letting them stay up as late as they want...simply because i hit the sack so early, that i can't monitor what time they go to bed when i am asleep...and possibly even pmsing ...i think.

I am glad that i just took them back to Nick, gave them a hug and a kiss each, and told them i will miss them while they are away.

There was a time, not long ago...when today, would have turned into a big screaming, fighting match. I am glad those days are in my past...along with all the other bad stuff.

Before i finish this post, i have to give just one example of how LAZY those girls have been these past few days...

In my bathroom, i have one of those stainless steel rubbish bins, with the top that pops up when you put your foot on the little pedal thing at the bottom...right? Well...Nicole was so lazy this morning...that instead of pushing the pedal down with her foot so that the lid popped up and her rubbish went inside the bin...she just put her rubbish on top of the bin!!!!!

God...that is something that Danny would do. If that did not make me lose the plot...nothing will. haha

Goodnight. x

Bail bid by Christmas burglary accused

Bail bid by Christmas burglary accused - Yahoo!Xtra News

A young woman walked from the courtroom's public seats in tears after the announcement that Conley would stay in custody overnight

Oh BOOHOO cry me a flipping river! The guy stole a 6 year old's Christmas Presents at 3am on Christmas morning!

It does not get much lower than that.

I hope his bail application is denied.

What an asshole. His girlfriend probably has a kid, that missed out on presents, because the police caught him!

It must be hard, being a lawyer, and having to try to defend this kind of thing. The moral conflict of interest that lawyers must have to deal with on a daily basis must be huge. Maybe that is why they have a reputation of not having much, in the morals department.

Who knows aye...all i know is this guy's actions were repulsive.

Gosh...such mixed feelings i have right now

I am like a big huge feeling milkshake, at the moment.

I just arrived back home from returning the girls to Nick, out in Waiuku. I was supposed to take them back sometime this afternoon, or evening. I was going to keep them until after dinner tonight, but we left here about 2pm this afternoon.

I miss them so much already...but part of me thinks...phew, i now get a break from being their cleaning lady, ATM machine, lolly dispenser, taxi, their personal isp, chef, and having to be at their beck and call with not so much as a thank you at the end of it, when i dropped them off.

They have really frustrated and disappointed me, these last few days. The more it went on, the more i started to resent the fact that they come and stay with me, clean me out, and then just trot off back to Nick's without a second thought for how i cope, in between their visits.

I think seeing Nicole, on the desktop, and Jorgia with both my laptop and her laptop in the lounge, then asking if i could have mine back for a few minutes, and getting grief and talking back for asking to use my own laptop, was the straw this afternoon.

They have gotten to the point where they can't even take their own dishes to the sink, without me having to ask them to do it, and then them proceeding to make a stink about having to do that...like i am some horrible mean mum.

Their self centred and lazy behaviour upset me to the point where i was in tears this afternoon, and i took them home earlier than i had planned.

I spoke to Nick about it, and he was supportive. I know from things that they tell me, that they try that behaviour on at Nick's but don't get away with it quite as much as at my place.

I need to learn how to be the boss, in my home, without making them hate me. There has to be a happy medium between being their friend, and being their mother. I just have to find it.

The next couple of weeks with Nick will do them good. They have spent by far, more time with me than with him these past couple of months. He has been missing them, for a change, lately.

Now it's my turn, i guess. My home is so quiet, i miss them.

I suppose i better go clean their room that they thought i would not notice, how messy it is, if they closed the door.

I cried to Dan on the phone about it, just before. He seems to think all teenage girls are like this, and added that he does not envy me. That didn't help ...much.

I honestly can't win

Three computers in my two bedroom flat, and i still have to fight for my laptop.

I sometimes wonder, if it is possible to please my children. Especially Nicole.

I will think about this while i walk Nixon, work in my garden, and forget i own a laptop until i take them home tonight. I can't be bothered arguing with them, on our last day together.

Back later.

I think we have all been tired today

The girls have been a bit on the tedious side. Kinda talkie backie naughty, and i have been too lazy to bother with it much...other than to make threats that i know i won't follow through on, in order to shut them up.

They have had the use of my laptop all day. SS popped over again to get the laptop that my friend generously donated to me, for Jorgia working...and i am happy to report that it is all connected to the internet now...and she is happily watering her crops on Farmville or some shit, as i type.

Thank you friend! and SS, for getting it hooked up to my wireless! Both of you are much appreciated.

Now my problem is ...Nicole wanting my laptop and NO ONE wanting the desk top in the girl's bedroom! haha...too bad...so sad. My laptop is MINE all MINE!

I'm tired. Shopping no longer has the same appeal that it once had. I worked in my garden. Took Nixon for a big run. Tidied my place up a bit...as much as i could with the girl's stuff everywhere. Now Nixon is fast asleep at the end of my bed, and i am going to put on a documentary, and join him very shortly.

Tomorrow is my last day with the girls til mid Jan, when i get back from the South Island. They are away, up north, with Nick until the 8th, and then i am back on the 12th...so i won't see them again until the 13th. I want to have a good night's sleep, and a good day with them tomorrow.

I am going to miss them loads.

Goodnight. X

Obviously, these folks have never heard of ROADKILL HATS

http://www.nataliedee.com/

The buskers in Queen Street

Are a lot more talented than i remember buskers being, the last time i wandered up Queen St.

We avoided the malls today, after our disasterous shopping attempt at St Lukes yesterday, and headed into town, where it was much more pleasant. Still busy, but do-able...and it was nice that Nixon could come shopping with us.

We walked along the footpath, in the hot sun, and i just waited outside each shop with Nixon, while the girls spent their Christmas present money. They got some fantastic bargains. I didn't mind waiting outside. The girls had already spent every cent that i had this weekend, so i couldn't buy anything for myself anyway!

They do that to me everytime. They come over, spend all my money, eat all my food, use up all my petrol, then leave me and go back to Nick's...and i'm left here without even any toilet paper! My girls go through an astronomic amount of toilet paper! I hate to imagine why. They must get that from their Dad. Yes...that is it.

Anyway...here is a video that i took of the talented buskers in Queen Street today. I love the violin. I used to play it.

Laterssss

Man crashes while four times over alcohol limit

Man crashes while four times over alcohol limit - Yahoo!Xtra News

I bet his mother is so proud.

Shame he didn't kill himself. Harsh, but one less drunk on the roads, can't be a bad thing.

Detox: A Fresh Start in 2010 | Crazy Sexy Life

Detox: A Fresh Start in 2010 Crazy Sexy Life

I think my next purchase is going to have to be a blender. Detox is going to be my New Year's Resolution. I am going to start off 2010 in the exact opposite way that i started 2009. This should be interesting! I will be able to make green juices out of the veggies from my garden!

Don't laugh. I CAN do it!

I'm awake. In the ass dent, after a decent start to my sleep in bed. I woke up when Jorgia came to bed though, so moved to the dent so that i could watch a doco without disturbing her.

Blogger to defend suppression breach charges

Blogger to defend suppression breach charges - National - NZ Herald News

I don't get this. If the suppression orders were working in the first place...then this Cameron Slater, would not know who these people were anyway ...right? Should the police not be prosecuting the people that leaked the information prior to it ending up on this whaleoil blog?

It's such a tricky situation.

I consider my blog...mine. To do with what i want. It's my own little piece of internet property, and i should be able to say and do what i like on it. I will never remove the truth from it...and i would have a huge issue with anyone that tried to tell me what i could and could not put in here. I have removed things that i have said, in the past. I have done this by choice, for the sake of my own conscience because i found out that i had been wrong, or just really did not care anymore if i was right or wrong. I will never remove my own experiences and what i know to be the truth though.

I wonder where the police stand, if Cameron Slater, was blogging from another country?

Where do websites with forums...like that AF forum..or Trademe, NZdating etc etc...stand if a member posts this kind of information?

The outcome of these charges will be interesting.

I am so full, i think i might explode

I was going to do the traditional turkey dinner, like i do every year, for the girls yesterday. I didn't end up doing that though. They had made a special request for their Christmas dinner this year...they wanted my world famous (in my home) chicken enchiladas.

I was OK with that. It was definitely the cheaper option! Turkeys are expensive as...

They did not feel like a big dinner by the time they got to my place yesterday, so we ate lollies, and skipped dinner all together last night.

This afternoon, i made the hugest dish of my enchiladas, a beautiful salad, and bought fresh bread for our belated, Christmas dinner. For some reason, the enchiladas that i made tonight were even more delicious than usual. I think they just might have been my best effort at making them to date. I think that might have something to do with the fact that i discovered "Tamed" jalapenos and bought those instead of the normal set your mouth on fire ones. It was nice and spicy, without needing to have a bucket of water at your feet, in case your tongue catches fire.

I ate way too much. I feel so full that i might explode right now. I have rolled myself into bed, for an early night, because we are going to the beach tomorrow...and i am not going to move until i feel like i will be able to walk without the risk of my inner thighs rubbing together. haha

Gotta have that gap! I feel FAT.

I have had a lovely, awesome day though. Worked in my garden this afternoon. Took Nixon for a big walk, and the girls came with me.

The infamous soft one stopped by to visit me, which was so nice. It's always nice to see him. He was looking exceptionally tan and spunky today. He sat on my garden bench and visited with Jorgia and I while we watered our plants. I love getting to catch up with people that i don't see very often.

I have managed to avoid getting dragged into an hour long conversation, that i usually get sucked into every single time i walk past Penny, the neighbour lady's place. I swear to God, i cannot leave my place without having to plan on talking to her for an hour before i reach my car. She sits in her unit, at a table, looking out the window, watching for me to walk past 24 hours a day.

She is a lovely lady...but she talks way too much and rarely listens. I have heard every story she has to tell a hundred times now...and sometimes i just want to leave my place and take Nixon for a walk, or get in my car and go out...without having to talk to her for an hour.

She is very nosey. She comments on every single person that visits me. She came over yesterday to tell me what colour Secret Squirrel's car was and that he turned into our driveway then backed out and drove away, and that he was on the phone when he walked past her place.

LIKE I CARE!

She commented on another friend's nice shirt and flash car earlier in the week...

Like i don't already know what a friend that has just been over for lunch was wearing, or what kind of car he drives.

I have started making the girls take the rubbish out for me, so that it does not take me an hour. This morning, i took Nixon out for wees...and to water my garden at like 6am...and i must have made a slight noise, and she heard me and came outside in her nightie and bailed me up for an hour. I look up at my windows, every time she does this...to see Nicole and Jorgia laughing so hard, that she has caught me again, and i am having to  listen to her.

Ugh...it's nice having friendly neighbours...but ummm...yeah...someone needs to invent a pill so that i can make myself invisible when i am in a hurry or don't feel like hearing her voice.

She is starting to drive me bonkers...worse than i already am.

I'm tired now. It's documentary time for me.

Goodnight. x

If you aren't surrounded by people who inspire you, I recommend you find some. It's the only way to fly. ~David N

Hey i gotta make money for my Fleetwood Mac cover band somehow

http://www.nataliedee.com/

Madness at the malls

If you are thinking about bargain hunting today, at your local mall....FORGET IT.

The girls wanted to go shopping with some of their Christmas money, so i made sure that we were out the door at 9am because i knew it would be a bit hectic. I was not prepared for the madness that we just survived though.

There were two lines at Glassons, to reach the desk where the sales assistants were frantically processing people's purchases. Both lines wound around the whole shop and had there not been metal detectors to stop the shoplifters...probably would have gone out the door and down the escalators.

The lines, in every shop, were a sign from God, that they needed to save their money.

We bought 3 big boxes of sushi, and headed home.

Nap time for us!

X

This Boxing Day

Do not search for happiness, search for right living and happiness will be your reward.~Twenty-Four Hours a Day

I am grateful for my garden, that i just picked these yummy beans from. I have beans for Africa, growing like weeds out there.

I am grateful for the companionship and love of my beautiful dog, Nixon.

I am grateful that i get to spend it with my girls, and for the fantastic relationship that we now have and will always have from here on out. I am grateful that Christmas came and went and my girls did not miss out on anything. If anything, they got too spoiled. We had a better Christmas that i had imagined we would have even before the money drama that i had this month.

I am grateful that Nick never over does it, with presents, so that i don't feel the pressure to keep up with him. I am grateful that my children have a wonderful Dad.

All three of us are SOOOOO grateful, that we do not have to spend the day bored, in Whangaparaoa, watching people that hate us, get drunk and stoned, and listening to the same boring stories that they tell every year. We are all so grateful to know that there will be no arguing tonight, after managing to get drunk Danny home.

We are all so grateful for the health and happiness that we have been blessed with.

Thank you, dear God
For all You have given me,
For all You have taken away from me,
For all You have left me.

~Anonymous

Best mates

Don't come much more gorgeous than this!

(I'm talking about Nixon!) haha

Good Morning! Another GORGEOUS day in Auckland.

I love summer!

Blogger faces charges

Blogger faces charges - Newstalk ZB

Dayummmm....so you CAN'T just say whatever you want on the Internet! haha I don't have to worry about ever being tempted to breach any name suppression orders. I am the last to find out everything. I still don't know who the musician was that rubbed his doodle in some poor girl's face...and according to the Morning Madhouse, on the Edge...everyone knows who that is.

I wonder if the Olympian that they refer to in this article is the "Well known NZ athlete" whose wife wanted that 3k refund from that hooker Lisa Lewis, that her husband had paid...haha.

Remember that? Some athlete had given a hooker 3 thousand dollars then when his wife found out, he said that nothing had happened during the visits, so the wife demanded a refund. haha

What a laugh.

I have been awake since 3am...in the ass dent. I have a busy day today too. The girls each got over 200 bucks given to them by various members of the Jones clan...and we are going Boxing Day bargain hunting this morning...they want to go at like 9am.

Back to sleep for me...in the ass dent.

X

All i need

Plus Billy! But he is off skiing in Idaho!

Hope everyone had a very, very Merry Christmas.

Goodnight xoxo

Little girls' presents stolen

Little girls' presents stolen - Yahoo!Xtra News

UNBELIEVABLE...

What on earth could have been in a 6 year old's Christmas stocking that would be any value to a 26 year old man. I find it impossible to believe that these idiots have a conscience.

How disgusting.

I can't believe it.

You're just mad

http://www.nataliedee.com/

Another Christmas just about over with...

This time last year...i was shut in that apartment, with the curtains closed...smoking meth with Brian, the ape man.

This time last year, Danny and i were supposed to be getting back together and working on our marriage problems, but i only ever saw him when he wanted to borrow money.

This time last year, i was thinking to myself...roll on 2009, because it could not get any worse than 2008.

How wrong i was!

I am torn between whether or not this year was the worst, or the best of my life. It is one or the other. It is nowhere in between.

I will get back to you on that.

I have the girls back now. They have had the busiest day ever, and are kinda tired and grumpy now. That's ok. I can handle that. They are watching a Christmas movie in the lounge, and i am relaxing on my bed with Nixon and the laptop. I got told off for talking during the movie ...sheesh i am so annoying sometimes.

I just got off the phone with Billy and the rest of the Sperling - Quick clan in the States. At present, they are in Kellog Idaho, celebrating Christmas Eve at a plush ski resort. They all just took a break from the hot pools in the mountains, surrounded by snow...to ring me.

Tomorrow, they will be skiing and tubing, and Billy will be enjoying a white Christmas. How awesome it would be, to be there with them. I am happy enough here too though...it was so nice to speak to them all.

I waited for the girls to get here before i opened my present that arrived yesterday in the mail from Tracey and Tim. The girls got very cool American Eagle T shirts...and i got a bottle of my favourite GAP perfume...It's called "Heaven" and smells so wonderful. My favourite used to be "Dream" however, Tracey and i decided that i needed to find new smells. haha

Our sense of smell is an amazing tool for bringing back memories. I have always worn the Dream...now i am making new memories...no more Dream. It was time for a change.

My flights down to Christchurch and back are organised. I cannot believe how cheap domestic travel is these days. I am off to spend a week in the South Island on January 6th. I would have gone earlier, but i have to report to the probation place on the 5th.

I cannot believe how fortunate i am...to be able to take this trip, down to spend time with friends before my sentencing on Feb 2nd. I had no plans over these summer holidays, other than making the most of the time with my girls...and being able to take them anywhere and do anything they wanted with them.

Now, i get some much overdue ME time. I get to do something for myself, and get out of Auckland, and spend time with the people that i should never have lost contact with, in the first place.

I am so grateful to have the chance to do this before i face my punishment for getting involved in that world of drugs and criminals.

I am so grateful today, that Christmas turned out, better than i had ever expected it to turn out...even before Tawhnee Kiwikiwi stole my money.

I am so grateful, to have friends that care about me, and thought of me, and helped me...not just today, but all year.

I am so grateful that i am not an alcoholic, a drug addict, or a "filthy whore" ...

I am so grateful, to be who i am, and where i am at in my life right now.

I think it was the best year of my life.

Flowers from a friend

Aren't they beautiful? They were given to me yesterday, and the blooms have opened up overnight. I love flowers...it's been awhile since i have had to pick them out of my neighbours yards! My vase is never empty for long these days.

I have good friends.

I also got a lovely surprise visit this morning from the Secret Squirrel...he came offering very unexpected gifts! He even spent time working on the laptop that the same friend that gave me the flowers yesterday, gave me for the girls. He is going to have to come back and have lunch with me in the next few days to get it hooked up to my wireless...i'm sure he won't mind visiting me again though! Thank you SS...love ya xoxo

Thank you Georgia for my DVDs!!! I really appreciate that. I might just plonk myself down in front of the TV tonight and watch Beaches...just for heck of it. I hope you are having a very Merry Christmas missy. xoxox

Merry Christmas you lot

Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart.  To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect. ~Oren Arnold

I have had a decent 7 hours of sleep overnight and only woke once...that i can remember anyway.

I slept under my window, with it, and the curtains open. I woke to birds chirping, and a beautiful blue sky, with not a cloud in it. Maybe that weather forecast was right after all!

I have Nixon breathing heavily, next to me. I have a fridge full of food...including bags of my favourite lollies from America, that my sister sent to me, and i am desperately trying to not eat all by myself before the girls get here this afternoon. Reece's Pieces and mint flavoured M and Ms are beckoning me, every time i walk into my kitchen.

I have my garden to work in. A neighbour to have over for lunch...(please God...stop her from spitting on me while she talks today) haha...my girls to pick up later on...a present from my sister to open.

I have friends that are always here for me.

I have a text message in my phone telling me that i am on someone's mind, and that i am beautiful.

I have a phone call with my family in America to look forward to.

The last time i was this happy on Christmas morning...i still believed in Santa.

Good morning. X

Who cares about Amy Winehouse anymore?

Winehouse charged in theatre assault - Yahoo!Xtra News

Seriously...the woman has to be one of the ugliest females on this planet. She is a one hit wonder that won't go away!

Just another example of how people love a train wreck huh?

If you are not quite convinced that she is indeed one of the most hideous women on the planet...google Amy Winehouse, then click on images. Repeat, if ever feeling train wreck rubbernecking withdrawals.

She had one song, that was not even that good...how many years ago?

Make her go away!

Did you see her on the news tonight? What the heck was wrong with her mouth?

She is foul.

The yo yo will have it's day in the sun again, just wait

http://www.nataliedee.com/

Merry Merry Christmas...

I have had a FANTASTIC day today.

I slept in til like 11am, after being up texting and emailing, during the night. The girls and i headed out to Howick, and met up with Nick. I gave them huge hugs goodbye, and told them i would see them tomorrow after they have had their Christmas Day with the Jones family.

I raced home because i had a friend popping in for a lunch visit. He surprised me with a Christmas present of flowers, Kings Plant Barn vouchers...and a second hand laptop for Jorgia. Now i just have to spend this evening figuring out how to get it connected to my wireless connection.

You know what that means though don't you??? No more "Give me the flipping laptop NOW mum" eyes while the girls are here. yiiippeeeee

I felt truly spoiled after those surprises...

My phone rang this morning and it was Orlando! I have not heard his voice in 4 years. I recognised it straight away, like i had only just spoken to him yesterday. I have spent hours on the phone with him today. We have 4 years to catch up on and only just touched the surface today. I have told him everything about my life, since we last spoke.

I will never have anyone in my life, that does not accept me for me...and that includes my past. I should have known that he would always be here for me, no matter what. Part of me wishes that i had not left it so long to contact him...but part of me is glad that i left it until now. Now just felt and feels right.

I will never let him go from my life again. Not for the world.

He told me that he did not like Danny from the moment that he met him. I asked him why he didn't tell me. Then i thought what a stupid question, as if it would have mattered on my wedding day. Orlando only met Danny during the weekend that he came up from Christchurch for the wedding. I saw him one more time after that, while we were living in Mt Wellington, and he says now that he was gutted to see me in the state that i was in...so obviously unhappy. He said he didn't know how to help.

That was the last time i saw or spoke to him...until today.

I spilled my guts to him on the phone...i told him everything. He said that he already knew some of it, because i had met a friend of his. I remember meeting a couple of people that knew him, actually...but not the one that he told me about today. Ha...funny that. New Zealand is far too small sometimes.

I talked to him the whole time i have been out doing food shopping, and buying seeds and a watering can at the plant barn....i am going to spend tomorrow morning, while i am alone...in my garden. He was on his way up to Blenheim to spend the evening and tomorrow with his family...then he is back off down to Timaru.

He is not back at work till mid January. I explained that i have a probation visit on the 5th...but that i can fly down to visit him on the 6th and don't have to be back in Auckland till my next probation visit a fortnight later...so that is what i am going to do!

I cannot WAIT to see him.

I surprised myself today, and started crying while i was telling him everything. I type about that life ALOT...but i don't actually SPEAK out loud about it all that often...except to Dan, in a joking way. It was hard to tell Orlando everything that happened with Danny, then how i did the Jen thing, then the drugs. It is hard to speak out loud about it to someone that i care so much about, in a serious way.

I cried in Foodtown. Mental.

Then i wandered back to my car, unpacked everything, into my boot, and pushed my trolley over to the trolley bay area thingie...and there was a purse, sitting in a trolley. It was a nice expensive purse, with a big fat wallet in it. I looked around to see if the owner was anywhere to be found. No one was around. I picked it up, and got back in my car, to head to the nearest police station...thinking someone's Christmas just went bad.

Then i noticed that there was a cell phone in the bag, and thought damn that sucks for that person. I was driving along looking for a police station when i realised that i could probably just contact the owner via their cell phone. So i pulled over, and rang the last dialled number in the phone. I got some guy named Bruce in Christchurch. I explained to him that i had his friend's purse, and he took my details and thanked me over and over...that made me feel good.

The owner of the purse has just left my place after collecting it. She was so grateful to me, and gave me twenty bucks from her wallet. I didn't want to take it but she insisted. That was really nice of her...but i did that remembering the whole time how i felt recently after leaving my wallet on top of my car. I was so lucky that someone handed it in.

She told me i had saved her Christmas. That was enough reward for me!

I have had the most wonderful Christmas Eve ever. I don't even mind that i am alone right now. In fact i am enjoying my little break from the girls.

The package of presents that my sister Tracey sent for the girls arrived today in the mail too!

Could things be any better right now? Why no...i don't think they could.

I am truly blessed this Christmas. Every change that i have made to myself and my life...every struggle that i have gone through over the last four years...and especially this year, has been worth it. I would not have believed it, if you had told me 6 months ago...that i would be as happy as i am today, by the end of the year.

Life is good.

I can't wait to see Orlando. He told me today that he wishes he had just dragged me to Christchurch with him when he moved. I told him today that out of all the friends/exes that i have, he is the only one that i should have trusted. I never trusted Orlando back when our friendship had turned into more...yet i trusted Danny completely, and without questions...until the end.

I don't get how my judgement could have been so wrong. Hindsight....I am just so happy that the years and everything that has happened during those years, has not tarnished our friendship, or how much we care about each other.

Back later!!!

Someone remembered how much i love Juno

This put a huge smile on my face. Thank you SS x

Taranaki women face 60 P supply charges

Taranaki women face 60 P supply charges - Yahoo!Xtra News

That's a whole lot of charges! Go the Taranaki Police!

Jeepers.

What is the quickest way to get to Timaru?

I have been up most of the night. For once, i am not complaining about this. I slept in my bed, with Jorgia, til about 1am, when i woke and took Nixon out for a wee.

I then planted myself, with a blanket, a pillow, and the laptop...to watch a doco, in the ass dent. I was lying here watching my laptop, when my phone went off. I assumed it would be Dan, because he is on lates this week...but it wasn't.

It was my old friend Orlando, or aka Oz...that i was so excited to be back in touch with, a few days ago. I have spent much of the night, exchanging emails, and texts with him. No one can possibly know how good it feels to be back in touch with this guy. He means the world to me, and having him back in my life has been the best Christmas present that i could have ever asked for.

I am getting used to hearing the same sentence from everyone that i get in touch with again now. Orlando was no different... "not surprised about you and Danny"...It no longer embarrasses me to hear that. I stayed away from real friends for so long because i knew that was what i would have to  listen to, and it was just embarrassing.

I no long care about that.

Orlando's life has changed so much, and in the same ways that mine has...it is amazing. He just took an easier road to get to destination happiness, than the one that i took.

Where i was once a self absorbed, alcoholic, with a mean shopping addiction, who placed  my sense of self worth in the hands of whatever man's attention, i had at that point in time...Orlando was a self absorbed, workaholic, who placed his sense of self worth on his chances of owning a Ferrari one day.

He now lives on 5 acres, near Timaru with his horses, dogs, and cats...and is happy to be cruising along doing what he is doing. He has had some hard times too. He got engaged...and then as he puts it...got single again. Sold his business, which i think, struggled a bit...and has come out the other end content, and happy.

The Orlando that i knew would never have even owned a cat. The Jackie that he knew...would have spent 900 bucks on a dog, then ignored it after the novelty wore off.

Orlando is the type of guy that whenever i used to see him...he used to hug me so hard that i could barely breathe. My grandad used to do that as well.

I desperately need one of those hugs. I am getting down there to see him before February 2ND. I have two reasons to go down there now. Sharon and Greg...and Orlando.

I am going to do it.

Good morning !

Hellen Keller actress fail

Is this really a fail? haha she was blind after all!



I'm tired. Goodnight.

To Chester from everybody

http://www.nataliedee.com/

My first carrot

While picked slightly prematurely...was absolutely DELICIOUS!!!

I am the gardening guru...or should that read...the Carrot Queen?

More of Billy's Artwork

Tinted by the light from the Kitchen Lights but oh well. This Sketch done in HB Graphite Pencil, is a view of the Bay of Plenty in New Zealand from Mt Maunganui. This Sketch was completed sometime around the end of November 2009.

This was a part a large set of Oil Joker paintings done at Howick College. Completed as part of an assessment for NCEA. Completed sometime in September 2008.

This was a part a large set of Oil Joker paintings done at Howick College. Completed as part of an assessment for NCEA. Completed sometime in September 2008.

More ranting from Harawira

More ranting from Harawira - Yahoo!Xtra News

This guy does not know when to shut his pie hole...does he?

Someone needs to revoke his email priviledges before he embarrasses the Maori party any further.

I bet his emails get more obnoxious, the later in the day it is that they are sent.

Boozie lunches can have that affect.

I finally appreciate the meaning of Christmas

It took me nearly 40 years to realise that it is not about money, or the presents. It took me spending a Christmas entirely alone, to realise this.

I have dreaded the last couple of Christmases. I have dreaded them for different reasons.

Last Christmas, i dreaded it because i knew that i was going to spend it alone. Danny and i had not lived together since May. We had decided in August to try to put our marriage back together, but nothing had been done to repair our relationship during the months between August and December. The kids were in Dunedin with Nick.

I had lots of money, and had taken them shopping for their Christmas presents, before they had left. They got Ipods, new cell phones, X box games...i bought them whatever they wanted last year, hoping that would make up for the fact that i was not going to see them. Who that was supposed to make it up to, i do not know. Was it supposed to make me, or them feel better about not seeing each other during the holidays. Probably a bit of both. Either way, it did not work.

This Christmas, i have dreaded it, because i knew that money was going to be so tight. I have been worried about the expense of it all. I have been worried that i would be able to afford to even buy them presents at all. I have been worried about being able to afford a big Christmas dinner.

While i have not been able to help wishing that i had the money that i had last year, as well as having them with me, like i have this year...i can't help but wish that i  had the best of both worlds. I have felt blessed for knowing that i will spend this Christmas day with loved ones...well half of it anyway, I pick them up from the Jones's in the afternoon. I would love to be able to spoil the kids, as well as have them with me, and be able to spend as much time as i want with them...i know which one i would prefer, if i had to make a choice.

Heck, i DID have to make the choice. I am so glad that i made the one that i did. I know that they would rather have me...than presents as well...even if they won't admit it. haha

I have been thinking about how last year, i had money...and this year i have no money, but i have the best relationship with my kids. Better than i could have ever asked for.

That makes me feel truly wealthy.

Nixon and i just got back from a huge long walk. I felt a bit stink yesterday because he only got a short walk late yesterday afternoon. I can definitely see the difference in his behaviour, when he does not get his big long walk. He is used to huge walks now, and gets a bit hyper and pissed off when he does not get one now.

So i made sure that i had the time for him today. We walked for ages...a couple of hours. He is exhausted on my bed now.

The part of Auckland that i live in is a funny place, not far from the city. Our walks take us past some of the most beautiful homes that i have seen, and past grotty little blocks of flats, that look like they belong in the middle of a slum. It's not unusual to have opposite ends of that spectrum, right next door to each other.

We see every kind of people, while out on our walks. Wealthy, poor, business people, students, housewives, homeless people, as well as every nationality. The suburb that i live in, is a huge melting pot full of every type of person that society has to offer.

Today, for some reason, instead of noticing the flash cars, the flash homes, and the wealthy people...i noticed the homeless, the slummy looking blocks of flats, the drunk and toothless guitar player that is always busking on the corner with his drunk mates hanging around him...the kids that were crammed into cars that did not even look road worthy...etc etc...

...and i felt blessed.

This Christmas...while i will be glad when it is over, because i have felt pressure because of it...i feel really blessed. I am so much happier this holiday season, than i was last year. Money and THINGS...mean nothing, if you don't have the people that you love with you...at times like this.

I have faith that i will never go without anything that i truly need. I have faith that as long as i have people around me that love me and that i love...we will always be ok. There are so many people out there that are so much worse off than i am...and only a small part of that has to do with finances.

Even if i had not been able to afford Christmas presents for the kids this year...it still would have been a happier Christmas than the last.

Nixon is snoring. The girls are doing their own things. I might join Nixon and have an afternoon nap now.

X

Christmas day forecast - Auckland

I will believe it, when i see it!

My bedroom

I rearranged my bedroom furniture this evening. My room looks much bigger now. My place is old, as opposed to the new apartment. The apartment had phone jacks, and electrical outlets on every wall. This place doesn't. I can now plug in both of my bedside lamps, and there is no extension cord running along the wall.

My bed is now under the huge window that runs along one wall in my room. These windows are huge, and slide open. I am in bed right now as i type this. The breeze that i can now feel from my bed, feels absolutely wonderful. It's almost like i am sleeping outside. I can even watch the stars from my bed.

It's pretty cool.

I had a good day today. Goodnight. x

Nice one Santa

http://www.nataliedee.com/

My children are scrapping on Facebook

Poor Billy. He will wake up in the morning to find his sisters having a big scrap on his page hahaha

William Sperling Got christmas cards from my sisters in NZ today, it made me happy. I also went to a friends place today, we hung out and I helped him with some guitar hero achievements...
4 hours ago · Comment ·UnlikeLikeYou like this.


Nicole Jones haha mine was better than jorgias ;)
2 hours ago

Jorgia Jones na...mines hand made which is better than ur stupid computer made one that took u 2 minutes !!
2 hours ago

Jorgia Jones probably not even 2 mins more like 30 seconds
2 hours ago

Jacqueline Sperling now now girls...i am sure they are both lovely cards. No cyber bullying...especially when you are only 6 feet away from each other ...please. haha
about an hour ago · Delete

Nicole Jones na it took me like half an hour. it took me a while to work out wat went where so i could fold it properly lol
about an hour ago
 
Jorgia Jones haha. so u spent 30 seconds making it and then 29mins and 30 seconds trying to figure out how 2 fold it
about an hour ago
 
Nicole Jones OMG u can count! no jorgia ur not funy.
about an hour ago

Jacqueline Sperling Yes she is lol
10 minutes ago · Delete

O well ...at least when they argue like this...it is still nice and peaceful in my home. I bet my parents would have preferred that my sister and i argued like this, instead of landing each other in hospital and chopping each other dolls heads off. haha

Don't they just take after their mother...little miniature flamers.

Disappearing summer days

Days go by so fast, over the summer. Blink and you miss them.

It's 2pm already. That is crazy, mental.

The girls and i were out the door by 9am. They both had friends, with swimming pools, out in Howick, to hang out with today. Lucky things. I wouldn't mind a swim today! The closest i will get to a swim is, the spraying myself, and Nixon with the hose, while i wash my car...that i just did.

So i dropped them off in Howick. Got back home about 10:30...had to be at that probation place at 11:30...left there about noon and proceeded to stall my car, at the nearest roundabout. I always panic when i do that...especially when the petrol light has been on as long as it had been on today. So i went ahead and flooded the engine, and it would not start again. Happy days...some lovely road working guys at the round about gave my poor wee car a push.

I turned left, instead of going straight up Boston Road....and rolled down over the railroad tracks, and turned into the prison car park. I sat there for a minute wondering if i had run out of gas, or if worse...there was something expensive wrong with my car, or if i had just flooded it, like i have done just about every time i have stalled it.

Tried the ignition again. It started...yippeeee...i'm outta here i thought to myself, how embarrassing was that? I briefly looked in my rear vision mirror, and saw a car there. Thought i would do a U turn in front of it anyway, just to get the hell out of the vicinity where everyone witnessed road workers pushing my car...and hello...i had just done a U turn in front of a police car...that Dan happened to be driving. haha

The look he gave me was hilarious...and O M GEEE he looks sexy in that uniform. I have only seen him in his uniform a couple of times. Ugh...quickly recovered from seeing him in uniform, and rang him to explain what had just happened and assure him that i was NOT at the prison, visiting anyone..ha.

It worried me that he had seen me pulling out of the prison, after the conversation that him and i had yesterday about the time that i spent involved in that seedy world.

Every once in awhile i bring something up. I have lots of stories, and lots of memories from that time. If or when i bring those times up...it is in a "i can't believe that was me" or "this is how nuts those crackheads are" kind of way. Even after living through those times...i still can't believe some of the things that i witnessed, and survived.

Yesterday, Dan asked me if i could not talk about that time of my life anymore. I asked him why, and he said that the thought of me being involved in that life hurts him. He cares about me and hates the thought of me being involved in that kind of life. He said that he understood that i have lots of memories of that time, but that he wants to make new memories with me.

He also said that if i ever went back to that kind of life...he could no longer be my friend.

That is fair enough. I don't care that he would not be my friend if i went about destroying my life again. I wouldn't blame him. I wouldn't be my friend either, if i was stupid enough to do that. Him telling me that he couldn't be my friend anymore if that happened, did not worry me, because it will never happen.

I was worried when he saw me pulling out of the prison that he would think i was visiting someone there. So i rang him and told him what happened. We had a laugh about the look he gave me for doing a U turn in front of him. He had not realised it was even me, until he saw Nixon.

Anyway, he was there because the guards at the prison had brought along the sniffer dogs, and caught people with crack and stuffff. Honestly, who would be stupid enough to take that shit into the prison? Crazy. I thought i was dumb, having it when i lived across the road.

I made it home...without stalling again, or stopping for petrol. I decided that my car was annoyed at me for letting it get so dirty. Having Nixon and the kids makes for a very dirty jackie-mobile.

So i gave her a clean and she is looking all spic and span again.

Hung out laundry. Watered my garden. Logged into my laptop...and here i am...day nearly over. I have to head back to get the girls at 4pm.

I might have a nap until then. I love summer. x

Weakness

The acknowledgement of your weakness is the first step in repairing your loss. ~Thomas Kempis

Until we admit defeat, we will not succeed ... The biggest defeat is the one that is dealt to our illusions of self-reliance and self-sufficiency. As long as we insist on trying to control our lives by ourselves, we will be confused. It is by relinquishing control that we gain strength and are freed from our compulsion and obsession. We save our lives by giving them away. ~Food For Thought

Attitude of Gratitude

It's 5am and i am awake...sunken in to the ass dent. There are definitely worse places i could be.

I have lost track of the days, since school finished and the girls have been on holiday. Yesterday, still felt like the weekend. I had a horrible feeling dawn on me yesterday when i realised that while i thought it was Sunday, it was actually Monday. I thought i had accidentally missed a visit to the probation office.

I hadn't though. I have to go this morning. Thinking i had missed my appointment was a horrible feeling. I really don't want to stuff that up. I want to make the most of it. Last week it helped to cry to that probation officer, about what had been going on with my finances, and how lonely i was after the girls went back to Nick.

Her advice helped too.

The girls have plans with their friends today, so i am dropping them both out in Howick this morning, then picking them up later on this afternoon. That means that i will have the chance to catch up on replying to some emails. I have been terrible at replying lately.

I will take Nixon for a huge long run. His exercise regime always lightens up when the girls are around, because i don't have as much time.

He is asleep, across from me, on the other couch right now. I am so tempted to get up and try to have another go at chopping his sideburns off while he sleeps, but i am too drowsy.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What a surprise...

More drugs charges for Millie Elder - Yahoo!Xtra News

Not...So...Much.

She will never quit that drug as long as she is associating with the people that she associates with. You can't quit an addiction like that, without completely removing it, and everything that comes with it, from your life.

I wonder if she will be so lucky this time. If you call not learning your lesson, and still being addicted...lucky.

I have had a really busy day. I have a feeling that i will sleep well tonight.

Avatar

Dan took me to this movie today.

I had not been to a movie since I slept through that 300, with Danny, at Sylvia Park, when it first opened. We sat at the back in those lazy boy chairs...i had a lovely sleep.

Dan chose the movie today. There were not many options left really, after i downloaded Zombieland, and Paranormal Activity...which i shall watch tonight.

I have never been a huge fan of going to the movies. Sitting in a movie theatre for 2 hours, is hard work. I always end up freezing because the air conditioning is up so high, and i get bored. I would rather watch movies at home, so that i can pause it and go back to it when i feel like it.

Avatar is LONG. Nearly 3 hours. We enjoyed it though, and i only just started to get bored near the end. It was really nice to get out and do something with a friend. Every day i feel more and more like my life is getting back to normal. Thank you Dan.

Today, i got to go out and watch a movie, while resting my head on a friend's shoulder. Two things that i had not done in the longest time. Little things can be so special.

I then took my girls to pick out their Christmas presents. They both desperately needed new cell phones. Neither of them had phones that work and have needed new ones for the past couple of months. I sold those dining chairs for $400.00. The girls got $200.00 each from me for Christmas to pick out new cell phones. They are so excited. I am so grateful that i was still able to do that for them, despite the financial setback that i went through earlier this month.

Those chairs were in the way here anyway. They were one of the few things that i was able to fit in my car and take from Waiuku before Danny disappeared with all my things. I had always hoped that i would be able to keep them until i had a home that was big enough for them again...Now, i am just glad that i did manage to take them...they saved Christmas in my home this year.

Anyway...i let the girls have their phones early. Since they won't be here, first thing in the morning on the day, they were so excited, and they have put up with broken phones for so long. I thought to myself...yay...i won't get the give me the laptop mum...eyes for awhile because they will be busy with their phones...but i was wrong. Apparently, it is very urgent that all their music gets put on their phones, so they have hogged m y laptop, trying to work out how to do that.

We still can't get the laptop to sync the music to the silly phones. No doubt we will be working on this well into the night.

Haven't taken Nixon for a walk yet today. It has been too hot. Apparently he was depressed the whole time i was at the movies. He just sat, staring out the window. He was so over the top, excited when i arrived back home. He's such a cool dog.

I'm in the middle of rearranging my lounge furniture. I need to be able to have all the windows open over summer, and the way i had it, i was always worried that Nixon would be sitting on my couch, looking out the window, and see a bird, and fly out the window after it. We are a bit elevated for him to be able to safely do that.

Anyway...back later. I'm tired. X

Brittany Murphy dies

Brittany Murphy dies - Yahoo!Xtra News

I can't believe this. How sad.



That was my favourite movie of hers. I laughed all the way through it. What a tragic loss.

Midnight Youth - New Zealand's got Talent

I LOVE these songs. Hard to believe these guys are from around here. How awesome are they? The announcer on the stage at Christmas in the Park said they were from Hamilton. Apparently, that is incorrect. Maybe i heard wrong. I don't really care. I love these songs.



They are touring all summer. I am going to try to see them again. How lucky are New Zealanders, that we can go to our local pub and watch talent like this?

Amazing.

I am awake at 4:30am

After all the sleeping that i  have done over the past week...i am not complaining. I managed to get through yesterday, without napping. I went to bed at a normal hour. I woke about midnight. I put that down to being squished in between Nixon and Jorgia...I went straight back to sleep, pretty much, and here i am, wide awake and ready for a new day.

I have slept enough for a whole month over the last week or so. I am OK with being up so early this morning.

I have been thinking. I have been thinking about how, slowly but surely, my life is getting back to how it was before i met Danny. Actually it, is getting even better than it was before i met Danny, because i am a better person now.

One by one, the friends that i lost contact with while married to Danny are coming back into my life. Real friends that love me, and care about me. I missed them so much, while so isolated in Waiuku with Danny, and then while surrounded by people that were on that drug. I felt like an outsider around the Baillies. I never fit in, nor was i accepted or loved as part of their family. I never understood the mentality of the drug addicts that i once knew. I never fit in with them. For that, i am grateful.

My relationship with my children is now better than i could have ever hoped for, even before i met Danny. They lived with me prior to meeting Danny. I had custody of them, however the relationship that i had with them was nowhere near what it is now. I sacrificed my relationship with them while Danny and i were married...i let them go, while i concentrated on fixing our marriage. I let them go, while i was addicted to P. They came straight back to me, as soon as i was ready for them, and have forgiven me for every mistake that i made. Our relationship would not be as good today, as it is, without the events of the last 5 years. I am grateful, every single day, for their love and forgiveness. I am truly blessed to have the best 3 kids in the world. William, Nicole, and Jorgia, I love you more than anything in this world.

The relationship that i have with my family in America...My Dad, my stepmother ( who i consider the only mother i have ever really had ) my sisters, cousins, etc is closer than ever. Until i met Danny,  i loved and missed them, but i was not in daily contact with them. They did not really know what was going on in my life, nor did i really know what was going on back home. There was a distance between us that was more than just the miles. I now speak to them most days, and they know everything about my life now. I am not ashamed to admit where i have been, or where i am going now. I look forward, every day, to hearing from my sister, and hearing how her pregnancy is going. I speak on the phone to my Dad and Monica for as long as i like, at least once a month. I used to only speak to them when they phoned me on my birthday, and at Christmas.

I no longer drink alcohol, like i did when i met Danny. I was an alcoholic, just like Danny, when he and i met. His drinking seemed normal to me, and i thought we were a normal couple, the way we got drunk together every single night. I never thought it was normal that i had never seen Geoff Baillie sober though! haha I am a much healthier person now, than I was 5 years ago.

5 years ago, i hated being alone. I always had to have a boyfriend on the go...or be going out with friends, i always had to be doing something. I don't need other people to entertain me, or make me feel good about myself these days. I like myself. I can handle being alone. I like my own company.

I remember saying, back in the beginning of this blog, when i first quit that drug...when i was putting up with such nastiness from Danny and his family, i remember saying, and promising myself, that i was going to be OK...that i was going to get back to being the beautiful and happy person that i was when i met Danny. I remember saying "F*ck you Danny, i am going to get back to being the beautiful and happy person that you met, in spite of you" ...

I am better than i was. Heck...my hair is even finally growing back! The best part is, that i did it, and continue to do it, for myself, and for my family, and not for him, or anyone else. Everything is for me, and the people that love me.

On that note...i am going to try to get a couple more hours sleep, before my angels wake up. My dining chairs got collected yesterday afternoon, and i now have Christmas present shopping money to spend on them! YAY! I was sad to see those awesome chairs go...but i had no room for them here anyway. I still have two of them. I only sold four. I would rather have Christmas present money for the kids, than the chairs.

Good morning! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz